The response to the ‘bois locker-room’ chat that was shared, reported and is now being followed up by the school, the police and the parents of those involved, as both victims and perpetrators, has created considerable consternation. From the moral malaise of the younger generation, the decline in standards of schools and parenting, the dangers of pornography and the unfettered technology in the hands of children, the lack of sex education that is fit for purpose and the cultures of toxic masculinity and sexual violence that are so pervasive… there are many culprits and questions to be answered.
For any school principal these days, issues created and then propagated by mobile devices take up considerable time and energy. During my time as the principal of a day school in Germany I would estimate that 80% of serious behavioural and safeguarding issues began sometime between midnight and three o’clock in the morning of the day that they were brought to me by a parent or friend of the victim. As the principal of a boarding school in India that did not allow mobile devices, the time and energy was less, but it was certainly the case that 80% of the behavioural issues still involved the possession or the use of a mobile device. When students were allowed their phones there was always someone who posted the wrong picture, said the wrong thing or didn’t like the response that they got.
How to make the right choices?
What’s being spoken about less than the consequences, outrage or blame are the choices that must have been made, in this case, by the boys who were members of the group chat; I wonder if they are even aware of the choices that they made? We know that decision-making is not a strength of young men. The part of the brain that controls executive function, the prefrontal cortex, is one of the last parts to develop, well into the early 20s for some people. We also recognise that empathy, consideration and compassion can be late developers too, particularly in the sphere of privilege and consumption that some of these teenagers occupy. This adds to the gap we see in the current case, and dozens like it that happen in schools every day, between knowing the right thing to do and doing it when you think that no one is watching; which is the real test of a person’s character.
The recent episode in Delhi highlights the deeper issue; that we are looking at the consequences of an undeveloped or a corrupt value system. Children whose moral compasses are supposed to be aligned by their parents, community (which includes school), and by society at large, have been failed because of a lack of deliberate effort to nurture and create the type of people we want our children to become. No parent wants or expects their child to publicly share photographs of their classmates, pass judgment on how attractive they are or casually talk about raping them, but having spent countless hours listening to and talking with parents about their own conversations and teachable moments with their children, it doesn’t come as a surprise to me that children haven’t picked up on the lessons they were hoping they would imbibe. By shying away from discomfort around issues like fairness, compassion, sexual development, power, privilege and responsibility, families have got out of the habit of talking about what really matters; how we treat other people.
Where did we go wrong?
What are we getting wrong in our social education that leads to children having discussions on what they think is a private platform, that objectify young women and, whether they understand it or not, incite and propagate a culture of sexual violence?
Many privileged teens are the stars of their own reality shows; they get what they want whenever they want it, the world revolves around them and their parents often clear up their mess and solve their problems by paying someone to do the work. This snowplough parenting can take the form of negotiating with other children’s parents or exercising power and social standing to manipulate outcomes in school, but it also extends to having essays written for college admissions or paying off drivers and controlling journalists when their children break the law and harm others. An outcome of growing up in this bubble is that children believe that anything can be fixed (because they see it can) and that nothing will stick to them, which deprives them of the opportunity to develop any responsibility for their actions.
What I think we are getting wrong is the belief that any education programme, workshop or schooling can be an antidote to a culture of privilege and entitlement that many proud parents have enthusiastically bought into without realising the consequences for their children. The difficulty for schools in this is that to some parents and children they are also part of that culture, an extension of the hired help, a private members club and a vehicle for ensuring that privilege for the generation to come; it’s very hard to work against this… culture does indeed eats strategy (education) for breakfast.
How can we fix it?
Any education programme to help prepare children to respond to something that they will encounter at some point needs to be in place about 18 months to two years before they encounter it, with all of the developmentally foundational skills having been mastered before that. Learning how to use a condom to protect yourself from STIs and pregnancy is something that much of the world realises needs to be done before or by the 7th Grade, because it’s in the 9th Grade that students start becoming sexually active; not all of them of course, but enough. Similarly, with education about what pornography does to the brain and how this has an impact on normal, healthy sexual development, schools need to work in an age appropriate way with the 4th and 5th Grade students because we have learned that almost half of children in the 6th and 7th grade already know what genre of pornography they like.
A programme on the safe use of mobile devices and protecting one’s privacy and digital footprint, once something that schools taught in the 3rd and 4th Grades, should probably begin earlier because of the way in which mobile devices are being used in our homes as tools through which children learn to read and communicate, but also as tools for babysitting and behaviour management. This puts the responsibility for it firmly on the shoulders of parents who are putting these devices in the hands of their children as soon as they are able to hold them; that’s a lot of responsibility for parents, but then it is an important job.
Parents need good advice and resources to help them, and just like education programmes for children, the learning must come before it’s required; this should probably begin with the parenting classes to support the parents of new-borns. It should involve conversations and case studies about the kind of parents people want to be, developing a shared understanding and vocabulary, the responsibility that comes with the job and the possible outcomes and problems that technology and privilege bring. Some families may not consider themselves privileged, but society today is highly aspirational and there are many examples of people exercising whatever elements of power and privilege they have, from the way they treat service staff to the comments and judgements that they make; parents need to understand that even if they feel their children don’t listen to them they actually see and hear everything.
What can parents do?
Parents need to talk to their children about the unforeseen consequences of this type of locker-room behaviour. Anyone in a group chat who responds to comments about sexual violence in any way, other than calling it out and leaving the group, is participating in it. Anyone who has been forwarded a sexually explicit image of a minor, which could include a girl in your 11th Grade class, is in possession of child pornography; just having that on your device is a crime. Any adult, or child who becomes an adult by virtue of being another day older, and is in possession of this content could now face the prospect of becoming a registered sex offender which will have a consequence not only on college placement, but also on visa applications, internships and job prospects… for ever. Children need to know that similar behaviour, bullying or trolling at college or in the workplace would result in being asked to leave with the possibility of the case being handed over to the police. But here’s the most important thing to ask and talk about; what would it be like to be in that person’s shoes? There seems to be a huge empathy deficit in the world and we need to do all we can to help our children articulate what other people may be feeling and thinking, why they might be in a particular situation and what the consequences of any actions towards them might be.
By learning to see others as people rather than objects, vehicles or obstacles, we are able to become authentic human beings and great team members, the kind of people that others will want to play with, work with and, perhaps one day, be with. Isn’t this what parenting and education is all about? The benefits of this sort of deliberate parenting for a community and a society are enormous, never mind for the family and the child themselves. Everyone would rather choose to work with people who are curious, collaborative and compassionate, but we seem to see so much through a lens of power, privilege and punishment… which is what we then end up with more of.
Leaving the group and telling a trusted adult should be a safe default. Speaking up and then leaving the group requires some bravery, but the skills and confidence that our children need to speak up and be heroes in waiting, as Phil Zimbardo calls it in his book The Lucifer Effect: Understanding How Good People Turn Evil, are what they need from us. They will, however, never start to do this unless they see their parents and the adults in their lives doing the same; being heroes, speaking up and doing the right thing when no one is looking… at every opportunity. Being the role models our children need is what parenting is all about and unless we are the best versions of ourselves for them, they will become a worse version of us later on; this is the responsibility that we all need to take more seriously.
There are many resources that can help parents in their conversations about online safety and behaviour, healthy sexual development and responsibility, here are a few:
Tarshi.et TARSHI (Talking About Reproductive and Sexual Health Issues) works towards expanding sexual and reproductive choices in people’s lives in an effort to enable them to enjoy freedom from fear, infection and reproductive and sexual health problems.
Untaboo.in Untaboo is a company dedicated to Sex-Sexuality-Safety education
The Australian eSafety Commissioner
The Safer Internet Advice Centre
Internet Matters.org Parents’ Guide to Tech
Talking to Primary Children about Sex
Talking with Your Child About Sex, guidance from the BC government HealthLink service.
Matthew Raggett is the author of How Your Child Can Win In Life, published by Juggernaut, former Headmaster of The Doon School and a parent of three teenage and adult children. He is currently the lead partner at MR Ed. Partners, Germany.
